Porn Review (From a Lady): Bob’s Boners

I made the least sexy decision of my life the other night. And no, it wasn’t deciding to wear sweatpants without underwear. I learned that lesson. My decision was to watch Bob’s Boners in its entirety. As a student of the humanities. Or whatever qualifier I need to add to make it “OK” for me to watch porn as a lady.

As a tremendous fan of the actual show, I was mildly excited to see my favorite characters brought to life by the world’s worst actors. And, these porn stars did not disappoint. Adapted by porn parody pariah – Lee Roy Meyers – the storyline feels as if it could be an actual plot line on the hilarious cartoon show.

With the annual Porn Star Day rapidly approaching, Bob and Linda (played by a woman that I think used to be a regular on Doctor 90210) need to figure out a punny name for their burger to impress the porn stars.

Teddy and Jimmy Jr. are on point. Jimmy Jr.’s lisp and dance moves are exactly how one would assume a physical manifestation of the character would move. I also think it says a lot about me that I was disappointed when the Tina, Jimmy Jr., and zombie dance party did not result in a creepy threesome.

Bob and Linda are the only characters to have sex. The blowjob went on way too long and involved too much spitting. At one point, I thought she was blowing raspberries on his penis. And honestly, I couldn’t tell if this was how she thought Linda Belcher would give head or how she actually does it. I’m afraid to find out the answer.

The sex disappointed. Linda did not scream, “Alright!” as she is wont to do in the show. There were a few different positions – nothing particularly exciting. And she was definitely not on the receiving end of any oral sex. I’ll just assume they didn’t want to ruin the fake moustache.

As far as parodies go, it was a good one. The strengths really laid in the characters and storyline. But, for a porn with the intention of promoting boners and getting ladies ready to go, I think it fell flaccid.

My Rating: Murder Boner – a boner that is killed.

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